When God Unsettles Us....

“Each phase represents another refining stage in a divine progression of life. He deposits us into one season, with its own unique set of joys, challenges, people, and problems, and He lets us sit there a while. Pressing us. Sifting us. Purifying us. Then at the right time, when the work that needs to happen there is done, He unsettles us- sometimes in a way that feels forcible, sudden, and painful; other times in a nearly undetectable way that is organic, seamless, and can only be pinpointed in hindsight. Either way, He strategically pours us into a new place and space- with new people, with new circumstances, with new life dynamics- knowing this new environment will be the most suitable for whatever He wants to reshape in us next.” Pricilla Shirer, Elijah study.

My mom sent that to me this morning, and the quote beautifully puts into words the season of life that I’m currently navigating. He has unsettled me in a way that has seemed sudden and forcible, but I also fully trust that He is strategically pouring me into the “new,” a season of life where literally everything will be new. To say that it has been easy would be a lie. These past few months have truly been some of the hardest months of my life. I have walked through the passing of my grandmother, which for me was incredibly hard and a heavy burden at the time. I have walked through some of the hardest work situations that I have ever encountered. I have walked/walking through relational loss that has been harder than I ever thought it would be. I have had to watch myself withdraw from school for the Spring, which feels like failure, though I also know that it is the best decision for right now. I’m watching literally every aspect of my life in the next few weeks get uprooted.  

The sermon at church on Sunday was spot on for my season of life, and I love one of the things that Thomas said, “Change is inevitable. Growth is optional.” Everyone recently has asked how I am doing. Let’s be real. Some moments are a struggle. Some moments the waves of hard emotions hit- those emotions of disappointment, failure, feeling betrayed by a company that I poured my life into for several years, frustration, grief… the list could go on. Some moments are filled with expectant anticipation of what God is doing and will do. I can honestly say that in the past week, I have watched God provide in ways that I didn’t expect. For example, my new updated nursing license should have taken WEEKS to come through. On average, I was told that it takes at least 4 weeks. It was less than a week- I got the notification this morning. And that’s just one of the small pieces of provision. The change of life is inevitable. Life will change. Growth is 100% optional. I can choose to sulk and be pissed over the past few months. I can choose to stay where I’m at relationally, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, even physically. I can choose to let bitterness, jealousy, and envy root. OR. I can choose to grow with the change. I can allow God to have His way and do a new work, creating new life, transforming a new future. I get to choose where I sit.

I’ve watched and still watching God grow me in ways that I never expected over the past 3 months, and I know that He does work all things for good for those that love Him. This next season. These coming weeks. All of this change. It will all be good in the end for me. It’s a freaking wild ride though. None of it is at all what I expected to happen. Then again, we all know that God likes to look at our plans and laugh. I won't post a whole lot about everything on social media over the next few weeks. If you would like to follow along with my current life adventure, shoot me a txt, email, or private social media message with your email, and I will add you to the locked down blog that I made. 

Tonight's Reflection

Tonight, I was making potato salad for a lunch tomorrow. This is something that over the years I’ve done dozens of times. It’s a “family” recipe that I began learning as a kid and can now make it without much thought. As I was making it tonight, I was reflecting. After finishing it, I sat down and reflected some more. I pulled out an old journal that I haven’t written in for a couple of years, and in the last entry, I talked about how time changes things. I talked about the transition of life that had occurred and how different things were then. I started writing another entry and was reflecting on how even more different life is now.

Two and a half years ago, I had no idea the journey that life would take me on. I had no idea the twists and turns and ups and downs. In these last 6 months alone, I’ve seen huge personal growth, for me. I’ve seen God change perceptions of mine and teach me to trust Him no matter the circumstances. I’ve found and experienced His peace that goes beyond all understanding. I’ve seen God do incredible things in the people around me. I’ve seen Him orchestrate things that only He could have orchestrated. I’ve seen God move in lives and deepen relationships.

I sit here amazed at the pure goodness of God. It makes me think of the stereotypical verse, Jeremiah 29:11. “ ‘For I know the plans I have you,’ ” declares the Lord, “ ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’ ” God knew all along the plans that He had and has. He knew the path and the journey that He had me on, and they were plans to prosper me, not to harm me. They have given me true hope and a future. As I sit back and reflect tonight, I find myself content. Life doesn’t at all look like what I thought it would at this point in life, but you know what they say about the best laid plans… I find that the journey has been and still is worth it, no matter how hard it gets. I find that God is always stretching me and teaching me something new.

I really sense and feel God sending me into the next phase of the journey. I see Him putting pieces together, and I’m filled with such anticipation and excitement of what it will bring. I’m truly excited to see what further change will come and how He will continue to grow me and stretch me. I’m excited to find Him hopefully in deeper ways and new ways. I’m excited to see Him continue to move and work and amaze me with his goodness and love.

These two crazy beasts have been part of the journey, and they say that they guess that they will continue the journey with me. Even if I make them behave like good dogs...

My Whole 30 Journey w/ My Personal Tips

Hey everyone-

As I finish my first Whole 30 month, I thought I’d share my personal thoughts and experiences and tips! It seems so intimidating at the start when it’s round one. What I love about Whole 30 is that it’s not a fad diet. The purpose of the Whole 30 isn’t to lose weight. It was designed to help you break bad eating habits and develop new ones. After my last cruise, I knew something had to change in my eating habits. I was eating out a lot out of convenience, and at home, I wasn’t eating very well either. I was throwing away all sorts of food that I’d buy at the store and then never eat (so this was also great for my budget overall). I desperately needed something to change. I know several people that had done Whole 30 including my therapist, who said that it was a great idea for me to try. So on July 7^th, I took the jump!

After 3 full weeks in, what do I think? I think it is so well worth it! My energy levels are so much better than they were. Truthfully before, I was struggling to get through the day without a nap and was not very productive in my personal life when I had spare time. I always felt like I needed to lay down. Starting during Week 2, I found my energy levels were so much better. I don’t need to hit the couch now when I get home from seeing patients for work. I have been really productive in my down time- I have cleaned out and organized my garage and my car, and I’m working on each room of my house bit by bit. In general beside energy levels, I feel better.

What are the hard parts? At first, it’s kind of annoying having to cook everything. Eating out is a lot harder, though down below in the tips section I have some tips for that. It definitely takes time to get used to the concept of preparing food, but like I said before, it is so worth it. Later in week 2 though I found that cooking or coming up with meal ideas wasn’t nearly as hard. The Whole 30 doesn’t mean you have to eat plain chicken and broccoli all of the time. I’ve had super yummy food, so most of the time, I don’t even really notice that it’s the “Whole 30”. The other hard part for me is getting enough sodium. My body is super sensitive to changes in sodium especially because during this, I’m still working out. I will win one of these Apple Watch challenges against Becca Cooley! I do use salt when I cook, but I don’t necessarily use a lot of salt. Prior to my workouts, I’ve had to take a couple of sodium tablets because otherwise I start feeling like crap when I start to work out and a little light headed.

Why the Whole 30 and not something else? A while back, I did a lot of research into generalized diet. I’m constantly preaching to my patients the necessity of adhering to their prescribed diet, so I wanted to know more about various diets and things. Patients ask me questions all of the time, so it’s best to be informed. During my research of peer reviewed research studies (not just a generalized google search. Thank you Wellstar for your academic search engine!), I found that some of the popular diets of today’s age are not as beneficial as people want you to think. They come with real risks for some people, and the problem is that you won’t know if you’re at risk unless you have an in depth conversation with your doctor and a nutritionist or unless something bad happens. Some of the popular diets of today are great for certain groups of people, but diets are not one size fits all. As I did my research, the Paleo diet concept (which is roughly Whole 30) tends to be the best option for every day people. It contains a balanced amount of meat, fats, fruits, and vegetables- more or less what our bodies are designed to eat. It limits the amount of junk food. The one other aspect of my studies showed that there seems to be truth to the benefits of organic. In the 1970’s and 80’s, we started using pesticides and herbicides to help protect crops. Since then, there have been correlating trends that show higher levels of digestive issues and problems as well as other things like kidney disease/failure. Those chemicals alter natural flora of our gut for one thing but also end up changing how we process food. Science is beginning to think that organic eating where there are minimal, if any, chemicals used is the best for our bodies. Summing all of this up, I’ve gone to eating more organically (which started prior to my Whole 30), and I like the fact that the Whole 30 is a stricter version of Paleo diet.

My Whole 30 tips for jumping on board:

1. Know from the beginning that week 1 is the hardest. Yes. You go through withdrawal. You aren’t eating added sugar and chemicals and crap, and you literally withdrawal from it. I had a few days where I was just purely a grump. I put on a good face for my patients, but it was a struggle. During week 1, you’re also getting used to everything.
2. Like I said earlier, Whole 30 does not equal plain chicken and broccoli, unless you just really love plain chicken and broccoli. I do not. Pinterest is definitely your friend. I have found ideas on Pinterest that I have tried that have really worked out. I’ve also created some of my own creations as well.
3. Eating out: Zoe’s Kitchen has Whole 30 compliant foods. Their grilled potato salad, which is compliant, is super yummy. I’ve been told that you could also do Longhorn with a plain baked potato. I did go to one restaurant and got a salad and brought my own salad dressing (I had checked the menu online first and knew they didn’t have oil and vinegar). Eating out is definitely a challenge, but ultimately it’s part of the goal.
4. There are some things out there that I have found made my life a lot easier.
1. There is Applegate, which is a brand of meats. You can find them at some Krogers and at Sprouts (though Kroger is definitely cheaper on the price for it). Applegate makes uncured bacon, all beef uncured hot dogs, uncured turkey bacon, and oven-roasted turkey lunch meat and all of those are compliant. They do make other meats though that are not complaint. I’ve read all of their packages to check. I love the bacon and eat it almost every morning. I love the hot dogs and the turkey as either a quick snack or a quick piece of a meal that doesn’t require a lot of effort.
2. There is Primal Kitchen- my lifesaver. They make all sorts of different products and Sprouts has them all. I think (you would have to double check) that Chosen Foods is also a brand very similar to Primal Kitchen and they are in regular grocery stores as well. From Primal Kitchen, I have a couple of different salad dressings, steak sauce, buffalo sauce, and a couple of different mayos. I love their chipotle mayo on hamburgers. Their regular mayo I have used in a several different things including making my own ranch dip and making my version of waldorf chicken salad.
5. I have found the longer I’ve made it on this journey the easier that it has gotten. I don’t struggle to come up with recipe ideas. I also have found that after week 1, if I eat enough at each of my 3 meals, I really don’t need to snack in between. Lunch for me is always the hardest though because it’s when I’m usually on the road unless I’m close to home for lunch. I usually will pack up some turkey lunch meat and some fruit. I did find unroasted cashews at Sprouts, so I have those in my car for a quick fix.
6. Sparkling water and coconut water have been a lifesaver for me. I drink a lot more water, which is really good for me. I do have lemon or lime slices that I throw in it usually to help flavor it up. But to be honest, I get bored with plain water. I usually will mix in a can or bottle of sparkling water because I love the carbonation. Especially before or after my workout, I will usually drink a carton of coconut water for the electrolytes. I do also drink unsweet tea, which I would occasionally drink before the Whole 30.
7. Lastly and maybe the most important, have some accountability partners in your life. I don’t talk about doing the Whole 30 all of the time. Quite honestly, I tend to get annoyed when I listen to people boundlessly talk about their current diet. My close friends know, but it isn’t a frequent topic of conversation. I do have people that are my accountability partners in it though that do hear me talk about it because that’s their role in it. It keeps me accountable, which keeps me on track.

What have I been eating:

               I promise that it isn’t as hard as you probably think it is. It DOES require that you read labels. I tell my patients, since 99% of them are heart failure patients, that they have to read labels for sodium content, and I tell them that it can be a challenge. It is definitely a challenge. A LOT of things have added sugar in them that you wouldn’t expect would have added sugar in them… But like I said, I have still made super yummy food.

1. Hamburgers: I usually make some guacamole to go on top with some lettuce and onion and my chipotle mayo.
2. Waldorf Chicken Salad: I made this for the second time this week because it was so yummy last week. It’s a mix of chicken, grapes, apples, celery, with mayo, terragon, minced dried onion, and some lemon juice. It’s so yummy as both a meal or a quick snack.
3. Taco Salad: My mom gave me a good recipe that she found of taco spices that made yummy taco meat. So, I made a yummy taco salad.
4. Buffalo Chicken Baked Potatoes: I took a recipe I found on Pinterest for Buffalo Chicken Sweet Potatoes and just used regular potatoes, ad it worked really well. It was very tasty especially since I love buffalo sauce.
5. Stuffed Peppers: I’m obsessed with my stuffed peppers. I like stuffed peppers normally too, but I’ve never been this obsessed. I made up the recipe quite honestly based on normal stuffed peppers. I use green peppers stuffed with ground beef, onion, and a little garlic. There is a brand of spaghetti sauce called Rao’s that is compliant- I know it’s at Kroger. I use their spicy sauce and mix a little into my meat before stuffing the peppers and then put some on top. Bake them. And so super yummy. I love the mix of the spicy yet sweet of the spaghetti sauce in combination with the meat.
6. White Chicken Chili: Recipe from Pinterest. It was super yummy though I overcooked my chicken. But is super yummy.
7. Pumpkin Apple Bake: Recipe from Pinterest. I did add some extra apples and quantity of the spices in it. I like it is as an easy breakfast and something different.
8. This week I’m making my usual chili recipe. I made sure all of the canned ingredients that I got were compliant, and we should be good to go. No crackers with it, which is a little sad, but I can make do without them.

As the weeks have gone on, I haven’t found that finding things to cook as been difficult. Pinterest is teeming with ideas, but I also find myself making my own ideas and creations.

Ultimately, the Whole 30 is completely do-able. Yes, week 1 is a hard, but after week 1, I promise that for me it has gotten so much better! I love the way I feel over all, and I really love all of the energy I have to do things and be productive. Will I continue this after the month is over? To some degree, yes. I may not be as strict about it- I will eat my tacos and queso occasionally (Oh, I can’t wait for tacos……..) and not have such a huge grain restriction (I really like grains especially rice…. Sushi….. oh yes….). I do though want to roughly continue to follow it to keep me from jumping into terrible habits of eating huge amounts of processed food and fast food all of the time. I love it though, and I love the change that it has made for me.

Journey to the Center of the Earth

The title of this blog that has outlined all of my adventures is titled Journey to the Center of the Earth. When I left for DTS, I had two goals in mind- 1) to know God in a deeper, more intimate way. I wanted to get to truly know my Creator who is good, trustworthy, kind, compassionate, and gracious because I didn't know Him from those perspectives. 2) To get to the center of myself and essentially fix the very broken foundation that existed. One day on outreach, near the end, I realized that I reached both of my goals. I had found the center of myself, I had journeyed down to the center of the earth, and I can say that it was a hard process. Geologically speaking, the center of the earth involves intense heat and like magma and stuff. To travel there (besides essentially being impossible) would be probably more of a feat than getting to the moon (I am no geology expert, so I could be totally wrong on that fact).
Over DTS, I found God in amazing ways. I found a Creator who has immense love for His creation, a love deeper than you and I could remotely understand. I found a King who rules with justice but who also is slow to anger and deeply merciful and compassionate. I found a Father, who literally gave up the one most precious thing, and I found a Son who was willing to lay down everything- all for me. That truth in its wholeness is mind blowing. Right now, I've been captivated by a few verses in Titus 3- "At one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived, and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures. We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another. But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life." He did it all simply to make me an heir, simply to adopt me as His child because He wanted a relationship with me. What greater love exists that one who completely empties Himself, laying down the incomprehensible glories of heaven, so that He can have a relationship with me?
I found God in the little things from the incredible nature around me to the friendships formed. I found God through amazing lectures and amazing stories of others. I found God as we emptied ourselves on outreach. I found God in so many places and in so many people.
Through this time, God rebuilt the foundations that I stand on- the foundations of my faith, the foundations of who I believe I am, the foundations of everything. He taught me how to actually replaces lies with truth- even if I can only manage to focus on a very elementary truth. He taught me to fight for myself because He said I was worthy to be fought for. Are there still moments of struggle? Yes, I am human after all. There will always be struggles in life of some kind. But in the midst of struggle, I've learned to lean and depend on Him. It's beautiful.

So, since I have been talking about the center of the earth... While we were on Tanna, where we stayed for 2.5 weeks in the bush with the most amazing family, God blessed us with the amazing opportunity to go to the top of Tanna's active volcano. Yes, that is correct. Our team was on top of an active volcano that was technically exploding. Thankfully, it was a "sleepy" day and was only at an activity level 2 of 5. We even performed our dance on top of the volcano for some of the tour guides that were waiting around. (Tourists go on tours of the volcano all the time, so what we were doing was exactly unusual for a tourist on Tanna. However, because of the risk, it's pretty expensive to go up, and God totally provided for us to be able to go up!) It was really amazing to see the volcano doing its thing and shooting up some magma!

Sam and his beautiful worship

Next story!
Meet Sam! The little boy that stole my heart! In Futuna, we did a lot of children's ministry and spent a ton of time with the pikinini, the Bislama word for children. We did everything with the pikinini. If we needed to hike somewhere new, you ask the pikinini to take you. You need help making your fire, ask the pikinini, they're pro's. Can't get your coconut to open? No worries, the pikinini as young as 2 year olds carry around knives and machetes. I love Tayler's story of having to ask a little boy if he would like her to hold his knife while he popped bubbles in the air. Tayler had just bandaged up a wound on him where he had stabbed himself with the knife. David was blowing bubbles, and this little boy was jumping and popping bubbles with one hand and knife in the other. Tayler was quite nervous, understandably.
During all of our time with the pikinini, different ones clung to various members of the team. Sam was one of my buddies, and during our nightly devotional times filled with worship and stories, Sam would always come and find me and stand in front of me, holding my hands around him, and then sit in my lap whenever I wasn't telling a story. Sam has such a bright and joy filled smile and personality. He is so incredibly sweet. But the thing that stole my heart the most was when he worshipped. Our teams big hit song on both Futuna and the island of Tanna was the song, Our Father by Bethel. On Tanna, they learned the song when Jasmine and David's team in the spring came. We sang this song at least once a day, if not more often. When Sam would sing Our Father, he would literally sing with all his might with his face raised toward heaven and eyes closed. He put his absolute all into it. It was one of the most precious, special things in all the world. I absolutely loved watching him worship.
What if we worshipped with our all as we sang in the congregation at church? What if we worshipped with our all in everything that we did? Sam taught me to worship with my whole heart because I want to be like Sam. I want my praise to God to be filled with all of me.

The Story of Laura in Matongi

Hello everyone! Now that more reliable wifi exists, I can share a few stories with pictures to accompany!   I was thinking about which story to share first, and I decided to share the story of Laura and the lesson God taught me through her.

Our first real stop in Vanuatu was the island of Futuna, where we lived for 2 and 1/2 weeks. Futuna's landmark is her mountain, which takes up most of the island, and Futuna is absolutely gorgeous! The views are breathtaking and to be taking them in is surreal. The island is only 3km wide, and there are 4 big villages on the island (with a few really small ones close by). Though the island is small, there aren't any roads to these villages, only paths to hike from place to place.

We stayed in one village, Mission Bay, the whole time we were there, and then hiked to the other villages to do various programs. Part of our team held a clinic in the village of Matongi one day, but I had stayed back at camp that day with Marisa who had injured her knee. When the team came back from that clinic, I was told of this little girl that had a bunch of terrible wounds that might be infected and need antibiotics. The next week we trekked back to Matongi for another clinic with me along for the ride.

During the clinic, Tayler pointed Laura, the little girl, out to me in her cute butterfly dress. We looked at her wounds, which looked so much better and not infected, and then she just sat with me for a while. As we talked, I found out that she is 9, and that she used to live in Australia (we knew she wasn't full Ni-Van, native to Vanuatu, due to her skin color and hair texture), and she has been in Vanuatu since last December. She loves butterflies and her favorite color is blue. She also doesn't want to be anything when she grows up (we were joking around). Through talking with her uncle, we discovered that there were some family issues, and her mom dropped her off with family in Vanuatu. Her uncle was there to pick her up, as he and his family were adopting her, and take her back to Australia where they live.

Laura and I sat together for a long time chatting, and I gave my role of taking blood pressures to another team member. As Laura was snuggled up next to me, at one point, I started talking to God and said how I felt bad that I just left my post.  I wasn't contributing to the clinic. All I was doing was being motherly to this little girl, who may not have had anything like this since she left her home. God says, "Is this not what I do for you? I stop what I'm doing to be with you and give you care and comfort and love." Obviously, God doesn't have to physically stop what He's doing, as He can be in all places at all times, but it spoke so much to my heart. We like to constantly do, do, do, but sometimes, the best ministry is just stopping to sit and talk and in this case snuggle. The best ministry can be just to love how you would want to be loved.

Laura touched my heart in such a special way, and I loved being able to spend that time with her.

Quick Update! More to Come Soon!

Hi everyone! Thought I'd put out a quick update! Pretty soon, I will start putting up stories and pictures regularly when I have more reliable wifi! We are currently in Port Vila, the capital of Vanuatu. We've been here for some time doing ministry in the markets, hospital, prison, and just on the street. We even had the huge blessing of meeting and praying with the President of Vanuatu! Outreach has been wild! I can say I've done some crazy things that I never in a million years thought I would have done! We have spent significant time living in the bush, which was an experience- I had a lot of fun though! I have stood and danced on top of an active volcano, I have literally hiked to the top of a mountain, I have seen breath taking views, I have seen God's compassion and love for the broken and hurting and sick. I have seen the power of God to change lives and whole villages. I have seen God answer prayers, and I have watched as God has impacted and changed my heart in ways I never thought imaginable. I have taken a journey to the center of my earth, and though it was hard and challenging at times, it has been well worth it! I can't wait to share pictures and stories!

Another Earthquake

There was another earthquake in New Zealand.  This time, I wasn't even on the island so that was good!  I am currently in Port Vila in Vanuatu.  There isn't much for internet access here but I wanted everyone to know that I am ok.  I will post about my jungle adventures later but the short answer was that it was life changing!

I am in Vanuatu!!  The flight was good but I am completely exhausted.  This is the start of a new adventure for me.  7 weeks of camping, real camping, in tents with no electricity.  I am so excited about this outreach time.  I pray that God continues to stretch me even further than He has already.  Since there will be no electricity where I will be, this will be my last post until the end of November.  Please pray for safety for my entire team and that God will use us in ways that we never imagined!

One Prayer Away From Breakthrough

G'day Mates! This will be my last post before we leave! I can't believe that outreach is already upon us! All of my stuff is packed up, and we are preparing to fly on Thursday (Wednesday in the states). We've done a lot of preparing of skits, sermons, and team building this week! We are all super excited!
One of the things that God has been teaching me both last week and this week relates to the story at the beginning of Acts 12. This is the story of Peter miraculously being released from prison, and it's a phenomenal story. Instead of looking at the feature of the story (Peter's release), God has been pointing out and teaching me through one of the side notes of the story.
Walk the story with me. At the beginning of the story, we find out that James has been slaughtered at Herod's command, and now, Peter is imprisoned with ultimately the same goal. The angel leads Peter out of prison, and Peter then goes to Mary's house. At her house, people are praying. The people see Peter and hear his story, and then Peter slips off like a thief in the night.
God has pointed out to me, the people praying. The group comes together to pray. They are grieving. They are frustrated. They are desperate. They know that Herod has just killed James. They know that Herod has imprisoned Peter with the same goal. They really need God to show up. Instead of giving up and thinking that God won't answer, they decide to pray one more time. They come to God one more time.
I think one thing we glance over while reading this story is that the people did not expect their prayers to be answered right then. We know this because they tell Rhoda that she must be seeing his spirit. They didn't believe that Peter was at the door. They came to God again, hoping for a miracle not fully expecting to see it answered right then. Remember, like I said earlier, they are probably grieving and frustrated and heart broken. Little did they know that they were one prayer away from break through.
I love that concept- one prayer away from breakthrough.
On Monday, the whole base met together for family time like usual, and we discussed that several people still needed money for outreach fees. The total of them collective was about $6000NZ. Funds needed to be in by 4pm Monday in order to fly out with the rest of us. If fees weren't met, then they would fly out a week later and catch up with the teams, if fees were met by then. We decided to pray for release, and then Linda decided to take up an offering. We know that God can multiple money; He is far above our earthly economic systems. Now note that everyone in the room is a DTS student, staff, or full time missionary. We aren't talking about a whole bunch of people who have a whole bunch of money. We take up an offering, and we worship some. They come back with the total. The simple answer is that God multiplied money. Out of the 70-ish people in the room, $8000NZ was collected. It's simply phenomenal. We were one prayer away from breakthrough, and we didn't even know it.
So, what are you trusting God for? What is the desperate breakthrough that you need? What if you were only one prayer away from breakthrough? What if you kept fighting the fight of faith? Maybe God doesn't answer your prayer today, but maybe tomorrow, you will be one prayer away from breakthrough.
Talk to you guys in 7 weeks!

Meet Our Team!

Meet out outreach team! In about a week and a half, we will be flying out to Vanuatu! We are getting everything prepped to go- acquiring all of the necessary medical supplies, preparing skits and songs, gathering things to do with the kids, and preparing our hearts for all that God wants to do in and through us! On our journeys, we will visit two of the islands in the south, including an island that will be new for Marine Reach, and then we will end our time in the nation's capital, Port Villa. We will return to New Zealand at the end of November! While we are out in the islands, we will be backpacking and camping in the villages, a very new thing for me! Some things to pray for: pray for safety during travels both there and back and between islands and simply safety in general. Pray for our health- even though we will have a water filter, the change in water quality will be hard for our systems to adjust to. There are also a lot of mosquitos, and though we will have bug repellent and our malaria medications, that is also a potential source of getting sick. Pray that we will be open to whatever God wants to do in the villages and that we would be ever listening to His heart and His prompting. Pray that God would do absolutely amazing things- things beyond what we can even expect- and that His name would be glorified in all that we do! Lastly, pray for team unity in our team, that no matter how grumpy we get, that we will still be unified. Love you all!

Top row- left to right: Marisa, Lindsey, Tayler, Jasmine (leader), Me!, Matthew
Bottom row- Helene, Hannah, David (leader)

Week 8!

My update this week is a little late. This last weekend was busy, and I didn't have a chance to sit down to write.
This last weekend, Cason and I went with a group to Hobbiton on Saturday, which is where they filmed part of Lord of the Rings movies and the Hobbit movies. It was such a blast, and we had the perfect weather for it! Then, on Sunday, all of the brick house girls plus Jasmine and Noga went road tripping along the coast of the Coromandel, which is a peninsula here on the North Island. During the road trip, we completed one of our goals, which was to go to Cathedral Cove, where they filmed part of the Prince Caspian Narnia movie. We all had so much fun together, and this weekend was so awesome! (The link should have a video of photos.)

https://goo.gl/photos/13YNECvtAdMAFcjV7

Last week we discussed relationships. We began the week simply talking about the building blocks to all relationships, and then we moved onto teaching on romantic relationships. Tuesday, we specifically discussed the subject of trust, and it really opened my eyes to the lack of trust that flows through my life. Within the job sphere of things, I have always been trusted with much. I think back to my high school job helping manage the concession stands at the baseball-soccer complex or my college job at Picture Keeper- I started at the bottom and made my way up to being trusted with much. That sphere of my life has always been characterized by people trusting me, but if I look at the relational side of my life, I trust very few people. It's definitely not an easy realization to make. Looking over the span of my life, I can say that I've never really held a great deal of trust in people, and there was several reasons for that. One of the most convicting part was looking at the close relationships in my life and realizing that even those have a thread of distrust in them. I wondered why my relationships were constantly struggling and why things weren't getting any better, and the simple answer is that they were missing these important building blocks.

All close relationships involve a deeper root of trust if you want them to succeed. You can lock your heart in a box and say "I will never trust again. It's simply not worth it," which is what I have done for quite a long time, but it's a guaranteed life of loneliness. I have people around me all the time at home, but yet I was still lonely. There was almost no one on the inside who knew when I was struggling and when I was soaring. There was no one who knew how hard the months of March and May were for me. There was no one who knew how hard work was for a bit emotionally. I lived in Morgan's castle all alone, out of choice, like I had for many many years, because I was too afraid to trust again. I'm finding though that if I don't want to be lonely, if I want relationships that are alive and filled with Christ, then I have to trust and I have to be trustworthy, and I'm finding that to be well worth it. This was my big moment last week. :)

In medical stream, Kiwi Jess and I taught vital signs, as we are the two RN's here, and then Natalie and Cason taught exercises and stretches for physiotherapy. I loved teaching vital signs to the group, and it actually made me miss work. I kinda miss having my purple stethoscope slung over my neck, and I miss critically thinking through scenarios. I will be back running around before I know it!

Week 7!!!!

Another week over and finished! I remember as a kid, it seemed like each week lasted a really long time. Now, as an adult, time just continually seems to go faster. I've been in New Zealand for 7 weeks. It doesn't seem like that long at all! 
I will start with a prayer request- I am currently sick. I have picked up a virus somewhere, and it is not a lot of fun. I really want to be able to give my all this week, and being sick is not a part of that. So, pray that I get over this very quickly. Thank you!!! 

This week was really rather interesting. I'm going to start towards the end and go backwards. As you know, Friday morning, there was an earthquake. It's really humorous to hear what we were all thinking in our half awake states about what was going on as our beds were shaking. Later that morning, we were doing our usual Friday morningworship. I was thinking about the earthquake, and my favorite verse came to mind- "For when you did awesome things that we did not expect, you came down and the mountains trembled before you." Isaiah 64:3. I love this verse and how it speaks about God's unexpected powerful works and about Him coming down. I've held onto this verse since I found it in high school and routinely go back to it. I asked God during worship what He was doing- the mountains trembled before Him (earthquake), so what, God, are you doing? What are your awesome, unexpected things? I really felt Him say to just wait and see, that part of it was for our school, that He is going to do something so awesome within our school. He reminded me in that time of a story of Daniel- Daniel is praying and an angel comes to him and says that as soon as he started praying, an answer was released, and the angel came as a part of that. Especially Tuesday night, we really spent some time praying about what we want to see God do in our school, and He's saying, "I've already released an answer, I've already come down and the mountains trembled, now just wait and see as heaven meets earth." I'm really excited to see what He has in store for us next! 
This week has really been impactful for me personally. The week was on identity and calling. I have a relatively decent grasp on my calling. I've known that for quite a while. I've known that God has called me to be a nurse, I've known that He has called me to missions in some capacity (right now, it is looking like on a short term basis), I've known that He has called me to DTS as a part of it all, I've known He has called me to where I live and where I go to church. I've understood a bit about calling. Identity is a whole other story- something that I have a very poor grasp on. I constantly try to find my identity in my job, in my activities, in my relationships, in something that will give me some level of significance among 7 billion people. God has not designed us to find identity in those things- we aren't designed to find identity as a nurse, as a human daughter, as a wife, as a mom, as a hard worker, as a world traveler, you name it. We are designed to find our identity in Him alone. The second that we try to find our identity in something else, it all falls apart. I know that lesson all too well. 
Over the past few months, there has been quite the struggle within me, and this week really provided the answers to why. My prayer is that this story will help you as well. One of the issues for me of 2016 is keeping God in the number one spot, and everyone and everything else below that. As this week has pointed out to me, I have lived essentially my entire life in a state of deep loneliness. I felt very lonely at home growing up and I made poor friend choices, so I learned to throw my walls up and learned to live in that loneliness. Attached with that was a very low sense of belonging, value, and significance. All of this together creates a poor identity. 
I have always struggled to trust God- I knew He loved me and "knew the plans He had for me," but I was also waiting for Him to give up on me and say that I was a disappointment. Thankfully, He has radically changed all of that within the last few weeks. I didn't trust Him, and so I put Tammy in His place- I can see her and talk to her and hear her audibly. I can also somewhat predict her and her actions. I wanted her to fill those areas of that I was lacking in my identity. I wanted helping her pull off an event to give me significance and value. I wanted being apart of the family to give me belonging, and even significance and value as well. But it falls short every time. Why? Because I'm trying to fit her into a God-shaped hole. She isn't God, so she can't fill the hole. As an adult, these deficits are only fixed by God, Himself. You have to allow Him to give identity. 
On the recommendation of our speaker this week, I've been going through Ephesians searching for "in Christ" or sometimes "through Christ," and searching for my identity in Christ. He has identity for me. He can repair my lack of belonging, value, significance, and loneliness. I love what Ephesians 4:22-24 says, "You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness." I am being taught a new way of thinking, a new way of viewing myself, a new way of viewing God, and the amazing things that He has for me and those around me. I'm being taught that my identity must be found in Him for relationships and things to work. My identity cannot be found as a nurse, as a human daughter, as an event worker, as a friend. My identity has to be found in being the daughter of the King of kings, and the identity that He has for me. 

Earthquake

Hi everyone! Just a quick update for those that have seen the news. Yes, there was in fact a 7.1 earthquake here early this morning. There isn't any damage and we are all safe and well! Most of the base actually didn't know it happened- mainly those of us who live up at the Brick House felt it. I was actually already awake around 4 this morning when it happened, and I legitimately thought that Natalie, who sleeps on the bunk below me, was somehow shaking the bed in her sleep (I wasn't fully awake, as evidenced by my thought process at the time.). According to our Kiwi's, earthquakes aren't uncommon in New Zealand, but this one was of a relatively large size. While no tsunami's have happened as far as I'm aware, even if one was to common, we live far enough away from the beach and high enough due to the hills, that we wouldn't be affected.

Week 6!!!

Week 6 Update!

Lectures are half over and that is just simply amazing because it doesn't feel that long! I just have no words for this week. I'm just amazed at the power and awesomeness of God! Again, simply so I don't forget to talk about the medical side of things- this week and next week, we are actually talking about community transformation. It reminds me a lot of the medical sociology class that I took one semester. A lot of the stuff we talked about on Monday, we talked about in that class. After talking about it this week and being reminded, I realized that I did not incorporate those concepts into my actual nursing practice very well, which means that I did not give my patients the very best care, and my patients deserve the utmost best care from me. Medical care isn't just focusing on their physical ailments; it needs to be about sitting down and talking about the why's and the how's and what they believe about all of it. From the perspective of community transformation, it means recognizing that a group of people may not fully believe that disease is caused by germs. It reminded me of the book that I was supposed to read for that class (I only read part of it.) called The Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down. It was about a Hmong little girl with epilepsy. The American medical system failed her and her family because no one sat down to understand their beliefs. In their culture epilepsy was seen as a gift from the gods, so her mom never gave her the medication as prescribed. Unfortunately eventually, a massive seizure caused permanent irreversible brain damage, and the end talks about how if someone had sought to understand their perspective, they may have been able to phrase the necessity of the medication and the dangers of epilepsy in a way that the parents could understand. I remember one of my patients was recently diagnosed with heart failure and I knew she was upset over it. I consoled her some, but I never sat down to understand fully her point of view. What if I had? What if I had taken the time to understand her view point, understand what she believes, and be able to speak into that? I definitely want to add that to my everyday practice.
Before I left, someone told me that they hoped I would find what I had been looking for during this trip. I have found what I searched so hard for and more! Oh if only my words could describe my excitement to the fullest extent, but my words fail me. I have found God in the most intimate, most incredible way that there are simply no words to describe or explain it. Even if I tried, my words would fail me. How do you describe the glory of God? How do you describe His faithfulness? How do you describe His goodness, His love, His holiness, His beauty? There are no words to describe those things because He is simply too great and too beyond all imagination to do that. This week, I have intimately met with Him multiple times, I have learned so much about just the power of the Holy Spirit, I have watched Him move. I could tell so many stories here, but that would make this far too long. One night at dinner, Bethany looks at me and says, "Morgan, you are one of the people that look so much different this week! Your whole countenance has changed. When you came, you were rather gray, and now you are full of color!" And that is simply the best description on how I feel too!

One quick story, a couple weeks ago, I was supposed to go running with Dani in the morning, but she cancelled. I crawled back in bed and decided to just chat with God. I remember He very specifically said that He deeply cared about people's hearts. This week, He spoke more into that and also reminded me about that conversation. He explained that it is by no accident that I am a cardiac nurse- I work with hearts. Hearts get me excited and fascinate me, and I love it. God cares about physical hearts and He cares about spiritual hearts. That is what I'm passionate about. I'm passionate that hearts get healed physical and spiritually. I was sharing this with Noga on Friday, and she says, "And what a testimony that you will be to that as you will have a freed and healed heart."

I love the conversations that we get to have here all the time. Thursday night as a house, we were praying for each other as a room plus Dani and speaking into each other's spiritual gifts. Today, a few of us walked down to a cafe and had the most incredible conversations and then even prayed for our waitress. I get to have awesome conversations about what God is doing and has done and will do. And it takes me breath away. As we walked back from the cafe and were having an incredible conversation, I could feel God surging through the conversation. It's so awesome!

As we are entering spring here, it is currently lambing and calving season- there are literally baby lambs and calves every where. During our walk, we saw a just born calf that hadn't even stood up yet. It is so descriptive of all that is happening here through our school- new life is being birthed and coming into being! Now, if only a little lamb would let me pet him, I'd be really happy 😁

"You split the sea
So I could walk right through it
You drowned my fears in perfect love
You rescued me
And I will stand and sing
I am a child of God"

Week 5!

Week 5 has come to a close, and it's incredible to think that August is coming to an end! It seems like I just flew in to New Zealand yesterday! This week has been incredible!

So that I don't forget at the end, what has been happening on the medical front. I forgot to add that last week! During Week 4, I helped teach on wound care and how you treat and care for wounds. I loved at one point went someone asked if you should scrub a wound, and I was like NOOO! There will be no cheese grater motions, no scrubbing. Gently clean. In circles. This week, we had a dr come in and teach on various health diagnoses. The dr told me that I wasn't allowed to answer questions 😁 I personally loved when she talked about heart attacks, and in my head, I was differentiating the different symptoms with the different kinds of heart attacks. I'm not sure what we are doing Week 6 yet, though we will find out our teams this week!

 Changing gears, this week was awesome! We did drive to Mount Maunganui, which is a landmark of Tauranga, and we hiked around the base. We saw Oscar the seal laying on a rock too! We also walked on the beach, which we all know made Morgan incredibly happy! I was like a 5 year old, I was so excited! And there are sooooo many whole shells here! I only picked up two though. I restrained myself.

On Friday, the staff felt that we should just worship all morning instead of having lectures. It was amazing! I painted, I sang, I danced, I found an incredible verse. For me, this verse completely sums up the week. Matthew 28:9, "Suddenly Jesus met them. “Greetings,” he said. They came to him, clasped his feet and worshiped him." Previously in the story, Jesus has already been crucified and has been resurrected. The women have already been to the tomb, and the angel explained that Jesus wasn't there. The women are walking home when Jesus meets them on the road. And when they meet Jesus, they drop to their knees, they grab hold of his feet, and they worship Him. I wonder how sweet that worship sounded, probably some of the sweetest worship the world has ever heard. These women thought he was dead because they watched him die. They went to the tomb to anoint his body as tradition would have it. He was dead. He was gone. There was no more Jesus to follow around, no more Jesus to listen teach and tell parables and do miracles. They have just lost their world. Then, when they meet Him on resurrected on the road, they drop to their knees. I would say that they would have been justified to be angry, to beat their fists on his chest and say "We thought you were dead. We thought you were gone." But instead, in the most beautiful act of worship, they drop to their knees and they worship Him because instead of being angry, they are filled with complete adoration that their King lives. I want to love Him that way and worship Him that way, with complete adoration and awe of Him and completely in love with Him.

This verse sums up the week too- we talked about Submission and Authority and the Fear of the Lord and Intimacy. It was a jam packed week! Jesse's teaching on submission put it into a new light to me. When his first slide said that we were learning about submission instead of Faith and Finance, I was far from pleased. Submission had such a bad taste in my mouth- to me, it meant "to be blindly obedient all the time." I have found that it doesn't mean that at all. Submission is giving up your rights by choice, and from a Christian perspective, that is done out of love. Submission is a choice, surrender is because you have no other choice left. We talked about viewing the 10 commandments out of a viewpoint of love than of rules. Instead of "Thou shalt not" viewing it as "I will." He recommended that we write out the 10 commandments as "I will" and then add a "because" and make it personal. "I will not have any other gods before You because You alone are worthy and holy and deserve the utmost highest praise, and there are no other true gods besides you.... I will not murder because that is taking away someone's life that you have given them, and it is not my job to play God..." It placed all of it into a new light, and it was amazing!

God demolished a bunch of lies that I had been believing about Him and other people this week, and that was awesome (at the end- it wasn't fun during the process). He demolished the lie that His love is conditional and based on my behavior. He demolished the lie that He was going to suddenly walk away and take His love with Him. It's all a load of crap! His love is enduring, his love is powerful, his love is constant, his love is eternal, his love is unconditional, his love is beyond anything I've ever know in life!

Week 4

Week 4 Update!
What to say about this week? Hmm... Well Saturday, the Brick House Grannies (as we are known) did not leave the couch/the house until dinner. We watched movies, and it was an awesome relaxing day! I suppose though, that we should back up some though.
This week, our speaker was our DTS Director Cheyne (pronounced Shane), and we studied Hearing God's Voice. Out of the 4 weeks, this was the most impactful for me personally. Lectures really enforced within me that we, as Christians, can hear the voice of God; we just have to tune in to hear it. The story of how I ended up here in New Zealand right now involves hearing the voice of God, but to be very honest, I have very much struggled with the concept of hearing God. Part of it was my own doing, part of it wasn't. On one end, God would give me direction, but I would fail to seek out the details (this is something we discussed this week.). Instead, with my direction, I would make assumptions and make a mess of things, and then, I would question if I really heard God correctly. If God gives direction, you have to ask Him also to show you the details of how that works. However, on the other hand, I remember being told once that I couldn't hear from God. This one moment would end up having big consequences. It made God distant and un-inviting. (I loved what Femi said during one of his lectures- if God was an angry God ready to rain down His wrath and punishment, He would have already done it. We wouldn't have made it this far. Instead, God is beckoning you to know Him truly and fully.) This week confirmed what I already knew deep down- God is approachable, He does listen, and He does speak. I've watched it happen.
During moments of alone time with God throughout the week, He really transformed my understanding of Him. If I am very honest, I have viewed God as being angry with me and having conditional love. God will only love me if I am good and if I follow the rules and behave, but He is just sitting there waiting for me to mess up so that He can punish me. Tammy has spent 4 years trying to tell me that I'm wrong, trying to tell me that He is good and that He is sovereign and that He is loving. She told me this over and over and over- I can hear her words even now, but that's the problem, I only heard her words. I wasn't able to really listen; it took God speaking Himself for me to listen.

There was suddenly this revelation one night that God is really good. He only wants my good- He doesn't want to hurt me and cause me massive amount of misery. That's not in His character. And God is truly sovereign. This seems so simplistic. But have you thought about how God's sovereignty means that He is King, it means that He is on the throne and in control, and it means that no matter what the enemy does, everything has to fall under the Will of God because He. Is. Sovereign. His sovereignty brings power into my life because it means that I have no need to fear (Isaiah 41:10) because He is with me and has it all under control.

It has been an awesome week really. Had some not so fun moments, but they ended up being things that God was able to speak to me out of. I can't wait to see what God has in store for this week!

Week 3 Update

A week 3 update for everyone!
I can't believe that week 3 is over already but also that we've only finished week 3! We're all like family, but we've only known each other for 3 weeks! It feels like it should be longer than that! Our room of 6 girls is like a room of sisters, and it's so much fun! It's funny sometimes of all the different cultures that we have here on base! The other day we mentioned garbage disposals, and Hannah, from Sweeden, says "Oh! I've seen those in movies!" We all laughed. It was really cool this morning to look around the room at all the countries represented as a group of us watched the Olympic opening ceremonies. In the room was the US (obviously), England, Canada, Australia, Netherlands, Germany, Colombia, and Israel. Where else could I watch the Olympics with all of these countries in the country of New Zealand! It was really awesome!

Last weekend, we went to Karanghake Gorge as a field trip and hiked! The area was originally used for gold mining, and now it is a park. At the end, I had a Coke float, which tasted fantastic!

Later that night, a group of us went to the hot springs that are by base. It's not actually a natural hot spring, so essentially it is just a swimming pool filled with hot water, which felt great after hiking all day!

Sunday Natalie and I went exploring the town of Tauranga since she is a Kiwi and has her car. I had my first New Zealand Starbuck's! It was delicious! It felt great to get off base for a little bit!

This week lectures were rather uneventful for me. We discussed the nature and character of God, and a lot of it was information that I learned in church growing up. We discussed the Trinity in depth, how God keeps His covenants, and then various attributes of His character like He is holy, giving, loving, etc. Our speaker was really awesome- his name is Femi and he is fiesty and sassy. We loved having him!

For me personally, the real impact of the week came with my quiet moments alone with God. I found my heart softening and forgiveness really taking root in areas that I have long been angry. I found God undoing lies that have been rooted since I was 11. I found myself laughing and I found myself weeping. I found myself Friday night pouring my heart out in prayer in a way that I haven't experience in years.

One of the big things I've been praying about this week is what post-DTS life looks like for me. The plan has been to return home and return back to the ICU that I love, but other options to work as a missionary and a nurse together have been placed on the table. The beginning of the week, I really was struggling with the whole concept. Part of me wants to go work in missions full time and the adventure that would be, but part of me wants to go home and return back to the ICU as well. I know too that if I become a full-time missionary now, I may never work in a hospital again because I wouldn't have the necessary experience. It was a scary thought to think about. I finally though have come to a place where I've laid the decision at the cross. I've place it there and left it, saying "God, I trust that you'll reveal your guidance and direction in Your Timing, I trust that you'll make it clear." I don't know where God is going to take me, but the longer that I stress about it and try to finagle a way to get my own way, the more I'm at risk of venturing out of God's plan, which is a place I don't want to find myself. At some point, God will give me an answer, and the adventure either way will be awesome. Right now, I'm going to push all of my energy into knowing Him better and deeper.

For all of the medical people, wondering what's all happening, we are beginning all of our training. With the exception of me, all of the "medical stream" are participating in a CPR/first aid course this weekend. Most of the school aren't medical professionals, they are here to get their feet wet in the medical world a little. There are a few medical people though- Natalie is a physical therapist, Cason is an athletic trainer (which has a medical aspect to it- kind of like a physical therapist), Kiwi Jess just graduated nursing school, and we have a couple of people that just graduated as EMT's. I thankfully brought my ACLS card with me, which meant I did not have to participate in yet another CPR class. I am pretty confident in my CPR skills. This week we will begin training for wound care in the field, which won't look quite like wound care at Kennestone Hospital due to the limited resources of being in remote villages of Vanuatu.

Thank you to everyone who has supported me on this journey! I can't wait to continue to share all of my stories!

Week Two Update

The weekly update on what's happening here in New Zealand: it is rainy and cold. Evidently it rains like all the time during the winter. There were a couple of nice temperature days, but now it's back to being cold (or at least Morgan's definition of cold). You can tell how cold it is based on how many layers I have on. I love my house and roommates a lot! We call ourselves The Brick House Grannies because a) we're the group of the oldest girls b) we're usually in bed by like 9pm. We call each other family at this point- we really do life together. We actually just had a family game night playing Life, and it was a blast!
I'm not sure if I've introduced her to this blog or not, but this is MiMi, the kitten. She actually belongs with us here at the house (we have a family who lives here with us, and she is their kitten). She absolutely loves attention, and curls up in my lap every time I'm outside. This picture was taken after Jasmine grabbed her from outside and put her in my lap as I was curled up reading in the living room. MiMi promptly laid down and went to sleep, and managed to "punch" me several times with her paw during her nap.

This was the rainbow from Sunday. The cool part was that I had a conversation with Hannah the night before on how rainbows were the symbolism of God's promise never to flood the earth again, so then I saw this magnificent rainbow! It was awesome!

This was our first week of lectures, and it's been interesting to say the least. Before I go into all of that, I encourage you to watch this video by Brene Brown on shame, as what I'm about to say it tied to that subject. We actually watched this video as a family this evening after Life. I've seen it before, but it was so good again! A good reminder.

The overarching theme for the week was Repentance and Lordship, but we spent a ton of time on repentance and lies of the enemy. There are 6 main strongholds that affect most people (of course there are more. These are the main overarching, most people have, kind of deal): self-hatred, passivity, shame, rejection, envy/jealousy, and fear. Yes, after praying about the list, I found that I have all 6. It actually didn't take prayer- I knew straight off the bat. It's a tough pill to swallow. There is a lot of hurt from my past that has yet to really be dealt with. After watching Dr. Brown's talk again, I'd probably say that shame is the overarching stronghold that likes to fuel the others, not always though. Shame is a nasty beast. I have lived in a place of "I'm not good enough," which was enforced for me in a variety of arenas. On another day, we prayed through the strongholds. Then, the speaker had us stand on our chairs (it was actually very empowering) and allow God to speak to us individually to replace the lies that we are believing about ourselves related to the strongholds. To hear God say "You are deeply loved, you are chosen and cherished, you are My daughter, you don't have to strive. You. Are. Good. Enough." Man, that started to cut to the core of my being. It hit those hurt places and have begun a good work there. Those aren't words that I have heard often, so to hear them and just begin to accept them is huge for me. I have lived life in a very closed off walled off fashion, so prior to that moment, there's no way I could have accepted it. I might just have to stand on chairs to talk to God more often! ;)
God is teaching me too personally a lot about vulnerability- the degree of transformation you want is equal to the degree to which you are vulnerable. You want life transformation, you have to be vulnerable. Trust me, that wasn't a teaching I wanted to hear. I don't like to be vulnerable. But Dr. Brown said it perfectly- vulnerability isn't weakness. I have spent 23 years believing that it was (and I've seen this TED talk before! More than once actually!) Vulnerability brings innovation, creativity, and change. The key is that it has to be real vulnerability. It can't be faked (I'm real good at faking it.). Real vulnerability is when I have to sit down with a friend and say, "Hey. The enemy fed me the lie that you weren't going to love me, and so I distanced myself from you. I realize that was a lie. You will love me for me and I can't wait to see what God had in store." Yeah, I had that conversation today. It's humbling. But yet it's freeing incredibly freeing. Real vulnerability means that I let God and people in, take an emotional risk, and find incredible freedom there. It's. Awesome.

A Pure Heart

This week has been really awesome! Tons of adventures and new experiences with new people! Thursday night our house hiked to an area kinda close to the waterfall where there are glow worms. I totally felt like an explorer as we're tromping through the jungle at night with it pitch black except for our flashlights. The glow worms were awesome! Something that only God could have created. The stars here are breath taking. We spent some time as a house last night after our hike to just enjoy the stars. Being that we are in the countryside, there is almost no light pollution, so the stars are just brilliant. I think we even pointed out a planet because things are so clear.

At the house, we have so much fun. We eat a lot of eggs for breakfast, and we always have faces drawn on the eggs. This morning Cason and I (Noga helped at the end) drew the new faces on the eggs, so it just so happened that Monster appeared on some ;)

Wednesday-Friday, we spent time as a school sharing life stories and praying for each person that shared. We essentially prayed for 8 hours a day, split with a lunch break in the middle. I have never prayed so much in my life, and praying for 8 hours is exhausting. All of us at the house called ourselves the grandma's because we were in bed by 9pm every night (Wednesday night I was asleep with the lights on in the room at 8:15......). But it has been so powerful to see people gain insight and inner healing, including myself. It has really knit us closer together as a school and a group, which is awesome.

This week during our "Intimacy with God," aka: quiet time, I, personally, have been hanging out in Psalm 51:10-12. I can't say that I have an new revelations different from anyone else, but I'm fascinated with how much dependence on God is shown in those few verses. "Create in me a pure heart....grant me a willing spirit." First and foremost, David recognizes that he cannot do it himself- he cannot make his heart pure, he cannot conjure up a willing spirit. He recognizes an absolute dependence on God to make these things happen. I love the last line, "...grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me." David recognized that an obstinate, stubborn spirit is not life sustaining, it only brings frustration and chaos. I've learned that lesson one too many times.

This morning, as I was hanging out at the "pure heart" part, I asked God what exactly that looked like. What is pure heart exactly? Listening to all of the life stories and knowing my own, I had that question of what exactly does that look like? When David wrote this Psalm, it was after he had committed adultery, so what is a pure heart? There are things in life that cannot be erased exactly, though they may be forgiven and wiped clean. I think God answered my question in the absolutely most unexpected way. We sat down for lunch today, and I sat down next to Elana, who is 10. She is the daughter of the DTS director. Their family lives close to the base, and it is not uncommon to see her and her brother running around. Note too that I have never spoken to Elana before lunch today; I had simply seen her around. I sat down and asked her name (because I couldn't remember what it was) and how old she was, and introduced myself. She picks up this little stem of baby daffodils that she had just picked from the garden, and she hands them to me to smell. I told her how beautiful the were and how good they smell. She then passes them to Cason, who is sitting right next to me to smell. Afterward, Elana takes them and places them in my hair for me to keep. It blew me away. These were her flowers. She had just picked them, and she freely without question, without explanation, gives them away in just a loving, kind, gentle way. If that is not a pure heart, then I don't know what is. Maybe a pure heart is loving people in the most genuine way. If David had genuinely loved Bathsheba, then he wouldn't have committed adultery with her because he would have honored her and respected her and seen her the way that God sees her. A heart like Elana's is a pure heart.

My prayer this week has been those verses in Psalm 51, that God would create a pure heart within me, that would grant me a willing spirit to sustain me.